A Roundhouse Kick to the FACE!

I seem to have a shortage of . . . patience? . . . tact? . . . manners? Well, whatever I am lacking it is thankfully staying internal, or at least I haven't been pushed past my breaking point and I have started to berrate those around me.

Let me clarify why this is a good thing, the not saying my minds' whim outloud. I can be evil, I have a mean streak that is startling and shocking to those who know me best and longest. I am devious and conniving. I am also above average intelligence which, though I haven't reached 'evil genius' status, means I can also be elaborate in my plans and devices.

Normally my 'evilness' is well in hand and doesn't rear it's ugly head but as of late it has. A lot. When people say or do stupid, silly, annoying, ridiculus and even just ill-timed things my brain barrages itself with what I should say or do in response. None of which are good.

Here is a wonderful example:
I have started a new job, it's only day 2 or 3 and the girl I work with is relatively articulate but not all that bright but I can work with it. My cat is brought up (as I dont have a baby and my co-worker and manager both have a child apiece). After that conversation ends, it segways:
C: I had a cat and he was great until he started p*ssing on everything.
Me:Mmmmm
C: So I had to take him to the SPCA
Me: Hmmmm (quieter)

Now, the responses my brain was screaming at me were:
C: I had a cat and he was great until he start p*ssing on everything.
Me: Well, I guess you were a stupid, uneducated, iliterate moron who decided to skimp out and not take him to a vet and definatly not get him fixed, right? And I bet he started marking his territory only after he had been exposed to the scent of a female cat so either the smell came in with people or you let him roam free outside waiting to be killed by a car, disease, psychopath? (I would also have a look or scorn on my face as this was said in my 'angry monotone')
C: So I had to take him to the SPCA
Me: Well that was the brave and majestic way of not taking responsibility for being a horrible pet owner or even footing the bill for them having to euthanize him because he was going to sit and rot in a cage for the rest of his life because no one is going to want an adult cat with behavior problems. Oh, and good job of contributing to the pet overpopulation problem because boy cat+girl cat= baby cats, probably how you came across your b-e-l-o-v-e-d pet.
Feel free to contact social services before you screw up your child too.

Now, I of course didn't say this but really really wanted to. I even considered the ramifications of what would happen if I did, I decided that the possibility of having to work with Co-worker for months to years outweighed being a total evil snark.

So I would like to throw this out there, to all of you who don't realize that I have withheld my evil desires from your confused and stunted little minds, continue to live as the morons that you are and let us all hope that my will can withstand my mind. For there is a part of me that enjoys verbally (or qwertily) evicerating humanity and I feel that if I fed that part, it would only become more hungry.

Mea West

Comments

Oh if only

more people would actually verbalize this sentiment.

I actually laughed out loud as I read through this entry, Mea. I have wanted to say EXACTLY the same sort of thing hundreds of times.